


Another Girl That Isn't Me

by spun809



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Angst, Broken Hearts, F/M, Pining Reader, Sad Story, Set during season 8, Unrequited Love, things are generally bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 02:05:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10675446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spun809/pseuds/spun809
Summary: Set during season 8, Sam tells you that he is thinking of quitting the hunting life and you are struggling to tell him how you really feel.





	Another Girl That Isn't Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @luci-in-trenchcoats , Michelle’s 2k follower Challenge, my prompt was to use the quote “I guess, I’m wondering, how someone quits one life for something completely different.” I decided to go with some good ol’ season 8 angst.

You flung yourself out of the rental car as fast as your legs would let you. It didn’t even matter that the wheels were still rolling slightly as you hopped out. Tearing across the gravel your head was focused on the one point in this whole town that you actually recognized. Funny how it was almost identical to the place you knew in too many similar small nowhere towns. You didn’t pause for a second in your movements because you knew that the man who had been driving would come after you.

Get to the room, your mind repeated, get to the room. You were trying to quash your feelings down with an overwhelming force, this wasn’t how you wanted to lose it. Screaming, in some shitty motel parking lot, this was obviously a discussion meant for privacy. Jamming the key into the lock as hard as possible, ignoring the harsh scrape and grind you heard, you jimmied it open. Walking through the threshold you slammed the door behind you as quickly as you could, you noticed how it thudded against what you hoped was his face, but you didn’t bother turning around. Apparently, his long strides were making it easy for him to match your frantic pace.

Your shoulders were clenched up by your ears, and your neck was straining, it was the posture of someone who was ready to fight. You knew it well because you had watched it in other hunters right before the kill, but the man behind you now wasn’t a monster, you partly wondered in the distant corners of your mind, if that wasn’t part of the problem.

When those long fingers wrapped around your upper arm, you couldn’t help the way that your body recoiled from him, and the shiver it sent through you had him releasing you in a heartbeat.

“Please, just talk to me.” His tone was just mellow enough it had you compelled to face him.

“I guess, I’m wondering, how someone quits one life for something completely different.” You couldn’t keep the sarcastic edge from biting through your words.

He clearly wanted to talk, so you figured why not get straight to the point. He always wanted to give you a million excuses and details into his reasoning, but you couldn’t bring yourself to truly care. Right now you were being told yet again that the Winchester you just got back into your life, after spending a year without him, was getting ready to walk out on you again. Watching his eyes fall sharply to the floor, refusing to match your hard stare you knew that not even he had the answer.

“Sam, just tell me why you can’t accept what you are?”

“This isn’t the life I want,” he spoke in the direction of the carpet so you strained to hear him, “you and Dean you love this life, but all I ever wanted was a normal one.”

A moment of relief washed through you that at least his brother wasn’t here to witness this happening, Dean had been off ever since he found out his little brother had left him to rot in purgatory, all because some chick had come along. You knew that it was partly your fault, the older Winchester was angry in the first place because he knew you had feelings for Sam but it wasn’t fair to blame him for moving on when you couldn’t even bring yourself to tell him how you felt. At least, it was a small mercy Sam was doing this here and now instead of usual Winchester fashion in the middle of a life and death case. And, to have one less pissed off person in the tiny enclosed space. It didn’t seem like there was enough room to house all the anger here.

Your eyes cast around the room, trying to fixate on something besides the dejected man with his slumped shoulders and slightly hitching chest, trying to ground yourself in the moment and not vanish to someplace far away inside your mind. There were the two matching beds, one was left wrinkled and the pillows were thrown towards the center haphazardly, while the other looked hardly slept in. It was funny just how different the two boys were. Brothers though they might be.

Then there was the couch, it had a blanket draped over the arm and a tiny square cushion propped up in the corner, it had been your bed for the night. When Sam had called you, as you checked the voicemail, you noticed even then a certain amount of surprise. Dean was always the one who liked to drag you into a case, his little brother hardly even seemed to acknowledge your existence even when you were shoulder to shoulder fighting together. When you showed up Sam told you his brother had gone out, most likely for a drink and to dig up some intel, shrugging your shoulders you didn’t think on the oddness and you had bunked down for the night, ready to wake up early and get started on the case.

After a restless and uncomfortable night, you had awoken to a steaming cup of coffee and a mess of brown hair and soft eyes greeting you, he had asked if you could go with him for a drive to check something out. It had all been part of his plan, to get you into the vehicle where when he started his tangent on hunting and Amelia and what it meant to be on his own, you couldn’t escape the words.

Of course, there hadn’t been any monsters, just two boys bickering with each other incessantly. Now, here he was trying to drag you into the middle. A place that you hated to be and that was where the anger came from. The sadness, it was all this other woman, the one that he could so easily picture himself running away with but not you, never you. You wished that he could look at you right here in this crappy motel and see past the disguise you wore around him so that he could know that you would stop hunting monsters today if it meant that you could be the one to run with him.

When his hand reached to yours, you let him wind his fingers against yours, and you tried not to squeeze too hard against him in your frustration. The act was something comforting towards a sibling, not the act of a lover desperate to touch.

“I wanted to tell you, I didn’t want it to be like before,” again with his explanations.

“Ok, but just so you know this is it for me too,” and your eyes shot daggers in his direction, “I don’t want to hear from you again after I walk out of this room.” You let your hand drop from his.

“It doesn’t have to be like that, we can be friends now, talk and get to know each other.”

You couldn’t help the instinctive role of your eyes, it wasn’t just unlikely you would ever see Sam again if he truly gave up hunting. If he was busy living some apple pie life with Amelia you would make sure you never had to witness it yourself. Let him make friends with some other girl in his perfect green lawned neighborhood, one with a husband and a child, not you who wanted nothing more than to be the one he curled up next to at night.

You felt a scream building in the center of your chest, you wanted to pull a Dean, to yell and smash everything in the room around you. Instead, your body stood completely still, like the warring emotions inside you were crashing so hard together that your body couldn’t keep up. You tried to focus on just one action, something tiny that might be an indicator to him of how you really felt, deep down beneath the bubbling fury. The desire to want to hold him close and have him be the one to comfort you.

You brushed your index finger against the outside of his arm, tracing it lightly on his bicep but then you hesitated and dropped it back to your side, it was too hard trying to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Being this open it could destroy you, if this is how it felt like with him leaving, having him actually reject you would be so much worse.

Now his own anger was building, you could see it in the way his eyes sharpened as they turned back to your own. There was a new harshness there and you realized that you had failed miserably in this whole effort with him.

“Well, I can’t make you accept this, but once we find Kevin that’s it for me.”

You wanted to give him something to leave on, “why don’t you just go now, me and Dean will take care of it, just like we always do.”

It worked just as well as you had expected. The door was slammed again but this time it was so furious it rattled the whole frame, you were sure you heard glass shaking in the window in the room next to you. There were the phantom footsteps crunching along the gravel outside and then the little rental cars engine was revving and peeling out into the distance.

Sitting back down on the couch you pull the blanket around your knees and started to let go. Your sobs were shaking your whole frame. It was like the tears that you had held in that room would never dry up, stinging your cheeks and burning your nose, choking you with their hot weight against your face. You let the scream come now burying your head against the arm of the dingy fabric to muffle the sound. It tore up from the pit of your chest and sounded more like an animals howl than a noise made by anything human.

You stayed like that crippled in agony of being left alone in love, not even able to tell the man how you felt about him, for what seemed like hours. The room had an old style clock that was ticking by every second of your pain and amplified the sound of just how alone you were, just your cries and the dull tick to accompany you.

You heard the door open and tried your best to wipe a hand over your puffy face, even though you doubted very much that it would do any good to erase what had been going on. As you spun your head defiantly towards the light pouring in from outside you couldn’t help the way your face fell again.

“Hiya Dean.”

“So I’m guessing you talked to Sam?”


End file.
